Many Christmases ago my children took stock of the presents under the tree and felt there was a definite lack. What happened next, is something that has stayed with me ever since. Instead of coming to me or Mike, pleading for more toys and presents under the tree, they went around the house, carefully choosing toys, socks and other favorite items, that they then carefully wrapped and placed under the tree. I remember them looking at the tree with immense pleasure and excitement – “Look at our gifts, Mom!” And my reply was, “Wow!” but inside I grimly thought, “There is nothing new here, why are you so excited?” In fact, these little ones had discovered a precious truth: they were finding abundance in recognizing the gifts they already had.

This year Mike and I turned 40. And in all honesty, the years leading up to this landmark birthday have frequently been marked with moments that felt like a mid-life crisis. So often I have looked at my life and viewed it from a place of deficit- walking around with a big hole in my heart – seeing only what I lacked and was missing. Turning forty was a turning point for me – my eyes began to be opened to the truth my kids had already discovered –perhaps something that I once knew as well, but had forgotten: I am enough – there is enough – I have gifts beyond measure – some new, but mostly ones I have carried with me for many years.

Radiolab (a favorite podcast of mine) told the life story of the Butterfly in such a way that it helped crystallize this shift in perspective. Caterpillars begin as fat, chubby little souls – eating their hearts out, happy as can be. Then, a long naptime ensues and they cocoon. But during this time they also turn to mush – or goo. They literally lose all that they once knew – truly a time of seemingly insurmountable deficit. In spite of all this, they transform and turn into something better –something that can fly. Perhaps what is most amazing to me is that throughout this arduous and goo-filled process, their wings are there inside the cocoon with them. Much of their memory is also carried through. In short – what may look like a huge time of loss, deficit and scarcity, is in fact life-giving and full of gifts. The wings, the memories, the safe cocoon – all are there to help the little caterpillar become what it was meant to be all along – a beautiful butterfly.

The story of scarcity to abundance has long been told – I think of the loaves and the fishes- a meager basket of food that fed a multitude. How it is done, still remains a mystery to me. But what I do know is this: we have more than we think we do. Roman philosopher Cicero wisely wrote, “The harvest of old age is the recollection and abundance of blessing previously secured.” Quite possibly this is the finest gift turning forty gave to me. The hole in my heart never really went away- there are still challenges and difficulties that remain, but the size of my heart has grown with abundance so that the hole doesn’t seem so big anymore. I think of the wealth of joyful memories I have – many with each of you and others with those whom I miss deeply and can only access through my tender cache of memories. I have the safe shelter of a body with a heart that beats and feels deeply, a face that feels the warmth of sunshine and the coolness of tears, and ears that wake me to birds merrily chirping and children laughing (or crying!) each summer morning. Most significantly is the love I have felt from God and the treasured friends and family who have lifted, encouraged, taught and inspired us along the way. These are my wings. If you are reading this card- it is because you have been a precious gift to us along our journey. May your lives be filled with abundance – gifts old and new. And may your cup runneth over…

much love- the williams